Christmas Mourning
Today is the fourth anniversary of my aunt’s death. It was a horrible and traumatic experience, and hopefully my family has learned a lot about preparing for a loved one’s end of life. Every year is hard because the day after she died, another loved one has a birthday, then two days later another loved one has a birthday, and then two days after that there is another birthday.
My aunt was a very simple woman. She was creative and always got us really cool gifts. Going to Starbucks made her feel like a million bucks, and her last job was all about caretaking. I miss her so much and her death seemed to be out of the order of how things were supposed to go. My grief is still as strong as it was the day she died and I still have to go through losses like this one multiple times over the course of my life. My parents were both one of five siblings, and now it is my dad and his two younger siblings and my mom and one younger sibling.
I have been writing this poem for four years and I finally decided to revise it and share it. I am sure others are going through similar things right now. Christmas is my favorite holiday because of the decorations and the music and that atmosphere, but it will be forever altered because of her death. I am going to try to convince my dad to grab some Starbucks in her honor and I am going to try to take it easy today as I see the posts from family members who also miss her.
A time that supposed to be filled with holiday cheer;
Instead I find myself fighting to hold back tears
That I think will not come this year but the grief is still so strong;
Taking over like the darker days as the anniversary of your death comes along.
Seeking light in many ways at this time of year has become a survival skill of my heart,
And every year I think I will get through it fine but I always fall a part.
The sights, sounds and smells of decorations, Santa laughing and freshly made gingerbread men,
All mixed in with the realization that I will never see you gain.
That is emphasized on the anniversary you left this earthly plane;
Making the season of lights go dark in so many ways.
Seeing grief in the faces of others both you and I love is another complication of your death;
Your traits in the faces of our young ones, your essence has weaved into their heartbeats and breath.
You seamlessly slipped into my life with cousins in tow,
And filled my life with fun and joy that I may never have known.
One choice you made to seek safety from the monster who caused your pain,
Brought you into mine and back to the lives of others who were happy to see your again.
When I used to grab tea before work at Starbucks, those short moments became special because it was your favorite place,
Seeing the smoke come from out chimney brought you downstairs and into our space.
A purple flower growing in a random spot or your favorite brand of cigarettes on the ground;
These little things always make me smile because it’s a reminder that your spirit is still around.
All the love, surprises and laughter that I took for granted and now hold onto tightly in my memories,
Still shocked by your passing and the cruelty of how you were struck with that insidious disease.
You wanted us to live as you were slipping away from all of us;
Never wanting us to worry as a disease was devouring you, so you never made a fuss.
But your body was losing the battle and you couldn’t hide it anymore;
So as we always loved, all we could do was love you more.
During a season where magical thinking is embraced as we get closer to the day;
You being spontaneously healed was top on my wish list that year even as you faded away.
One less of everything at family gatherings, another visible gaping hole;
Along with the memory of you slipping away weeks before Christmas has forever scarred my soul.
Unless otherwise noted, all written material and images were created by the blogger, Chimi. You may share and record for your own use, but all images and text are copyrighted and cannot be used for commercial purposes without the permission of the owner.
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