(Dis)Belief
The root of my fears is uncertainty.
I used to believe what I was fed
By my parents’ beliefs and expectations
By the Catholic schools I attended
By society’s expectations.
There is a level of security in simply accepting what I was told.
And there is a reward for believing it.
The reward of belonging,
The reward of being told you are a good little member of society.
The reward of not having to explain a position that is “outside the norm”.
But as I got older,
I questioned those belief and expectations,
And as I have gotten older many of my strongest beliefs have fallen away
I do not have a strong set of beliefs on many issues,
Because I realize that many people have many beliefs,
Beliefs are not always based on logic or compassion, and
Beliefs can be dangerous, even ones that have been around for a long time.
I want to be tolerant and accepting
I want to be logical and compassionate
I do not want to be dangerous
But with that loss in beliefs, there is no grounding
People demand answers and expect a “right” one, the one that matches their own beliefs
But all I have is uncertainty.
What happens when people die?
What happens when people live in a way that is outside of what society says is ok, even if they are not hurting anyone?
I refuse to adopt beliefs to make people comfortable or even to make myself feel comfortable in a group.
I cannot do it.
At this point, I am going to have to get comfortable with not knowing,
And maybe I should stop pursuing such big questions at the moment.
When I am almost the age that represents the answer to everything,
I have to admit I know nothing.
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